I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just had sex on a roof
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
