do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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