i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
