I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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