I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
