oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
