Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
