After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
