shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
