there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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