Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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