Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
