If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
