roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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