Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize