The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
