no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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