New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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