The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
