if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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