I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
