Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize