I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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