I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
