I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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