I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
