i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
