you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
