i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
