I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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