I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
