We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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