Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
