I need to stop coming to work sober
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
