Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
