i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
