I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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