she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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