So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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