I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
