i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
