I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
