I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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