Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
