Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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