my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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