Need sex. Gaining weight.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
