My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
