Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
