Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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