tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
