Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
