Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
