Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
