Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
