just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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