Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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