life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
